SophisticatedMari's Xanga

Redone!

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 03:21:20 GMT

I love the picture, I love the song. What more need I say?

Mi Morena

And so my love
From my window I can see a beautiful vision
And when the music plays
Your body rises like a bird of grace

Mi morena
I saw you dancing in the rain
Holy water shining like a silver flame
Come like a ghost
I will watch you dance alone
Mi morena, you're the light within my soul

And so my love
The way you're moving in your dress
To a nylon guitar on wings of silk and lace
You lift upon the notes and slip away

Mi morena
I saw you dancing in the rain
Holy water shining like a silver flame
Come like a ghost
I will watch you dance alone
Mi morena, you're the light within my soul

Take this cross of feathers and bone
Take this heart I've carved in stone
In your name

Where the setting sun surrenders to the moon
Mi querida, I wait for you

Mi morena
I saw you dancing in the rain
Holy water shining like a silver flame
Come like a ghost
I will watch you dance alone
Mi morena, you're the light within my soul

Mi morena
Hold your hands out to the night
Be my lover, I will fall into your eyes
Sweet fire of love
For you I'd steal the stars
'Cause I adore you, o my morena

Alexithymia

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:27:11 GMT

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything you say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning
Bricks to this old house are breaking
Steel would have weathered but now forlorning
It's alarming how loud the silence screams
No warn, no warn, no warning
Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit
And conversate, conversate to the sounds
To the sounds of a record player
With it's jumping needle and the lights
That grow dim over time

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Are you where you thought you'd be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It's not that we don't talk
It's just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything I say
Anymore, in the morn, in the morning

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive
With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive

~ “Alexithymia”, Anberlin

I kind of like words. A lot. Anyone who knows me well knows this. So it should be no surprise to you I’m going to write something about a word that most people probably have never heard of. Alexithymia comes from the Greek meaning literally, “without words for emotions”. It’s usually used in a medical sense to describe psychiatric disorders or medical problems that would cause the inability to express emotions verbally. But we’ll ignore that context for now. ::wink::

I bring up this word because recently, or to be specific, in the last week and a half, I feel that I have lost the ability to effective communicate my emotions. Sometimes I don’t even know what emotion I’m feeling, to be quite honest. It’s been such a whirlwind the past ten days. It would be enough to leave any sane person confused, frustrated and perhaps drive them insane. Lucky for me, I was never sane to begin with. But I will admit, it is still frustrating. I’ve always found I kind of flash through my emotions… one second I’ll be livid and the next I’ll be content, and so forth. I could never explain or understand it, so I stopped trying to a long time ago. I just accepted it as how I dealt with my emotions. But nothing, nothing, has ever happened quite in the way it has the last several days. It doesn’t feel like it’s been only ten days, it feels like years… easily the longest ten days of my life. And definitely some of the most exhausting.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been through a hurricane of emotions. I’ve felt every possible combination of joy, elation, peace, contentedness, hope, love, hurt, pain, regret, anger, rage, dismay, depression, hate… the list goes on and on. Sometimes all at once, sometimes separately, but more often the previous than the latter. I don’t think there’s an emotion I haven’t felt. Save one. The one I wanted more than anything to never, ever feel again. The one I wouldn’t wish upon even the worst of my enemies. And yet I wake up this morning only to be completely overwhelmed by it. That, perhaps more than anything else, is the most frustrating. To me, it’s the ultimate feeling of despair and pain. It’s almost suffocating. What emotion would this be? Betrayal. Complete betrayal. And actually, this time, I think I can actually say it was a complete betrayal, at least it certainly feels like that. There are two (possibly three) instances I can think of in the past two years where I have felt utterly betrayed, but nothing on this level.

“To care passionately for another human creature brings always more sorrow than joy; but all the same, Elinor, one would never be without that experience. Anyone who has never really loved has never really lived. . . .” I think that’s Agatha Christie at her best. I love quotes about how it is better love and lose than never love at all. I think it’s so very true. But this one is different. She brings it full-circle… there is so much pain in it. So much sorrow. In the end, I think, it’s absolutely worth it, though. That is, until you feel betrayed. I honestly have to wonder if it’s worth it only to feel betrayed. Under any other circumstance, I would completely agree with this quote… but under my current circumstances, I truly would rather not love at all if my other choice is to feel betrayed afterwards.

I’ve learnt a lot about emotions through this… emotions are fleeting. I always knew any relationship (including friendships) couldn’t be based in emotion. Now I truly see and understand why. I suppose that’s a good thing. I just hate having to have learnt it this way. But if learning a lesson was easy… we probably wouldn’t learn much. Or remember it. Right?

Well, I guess now that I’ve finally hit the bottom, metaphorically speaking, I can only go up. I couldn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now… hence the word “alexithymia” coming to mind. And yet somehow, through it all, I still feel hope and even a little bit of peace. And, unlike the open-endedness and uncertainty I’ve felt since Sunday, I guess I feel some sense of closure. So life goes on, completely changed from before, but it goes on. And at this point, that’s all I can ask and hope for. I would truly appreciate your prayers.

-- Sarah

P.S. Josh Groban has some of the best songs in the world on this subject. It's scary how much I can relate to songs like "Mai", "L'Ultima Notte", "Un Amore Per Sempre" and so on right now...

music

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:52:23 GMT

Especially because of dancing, music has become my heart and soul lately--it's my lifeblood. Ever since I can remember, I've been singing something (not that I can really sing, but I can't help it sometimes...) or playing something or listening to something. More or less, it's an escape. It takes me to wherever and whatever memory that song has connected with it for me. It's kind of amazing how my musical taste has changed over the years... whenever something really big happens in my life, I seem to start listening to a new kind of music. And really other than rap or CCM, I'll listen to just about anything, or at least give it a try. It's easy to relate to almost anyone then... music truly does connects us all.

So yesterday, when I discovered some insanely amazing music, it put me in a euphoric state almost like those I get in after a really amazing night of dancing. Two song in particularly I fell in love with instantly. One is The Ocean by Mae, and the other is Dismantle. Repair. by Anberlin. And I finally listened to Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run. And I love it too. {[Anna Kate -- thanks for suggesting it, I took far too long to actually listen to it.]}

The poor library must think I'm nuts. I have almost 100 CDs on hold there now. Hehe. Another artist very worth the mention really quickly is jazz singer and pianist Peter Cincotti. He's like... Harry Connick Jr. A completely different take on almost every song he records... I love it!

one last glance from a taxi cab
images scar my mind
four weeks have felt like years
since your full attention was all mine
he night was young and so were we
talked about life, God, death, and your family
didn't want any promises,
just my undivided honesty, and you said

oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

i am the patron saint of lost causes
a fraction of who i once believed [changed]
only a matter of time
opinions i would try and rewrite
if life had background music playing your song
i've got to be honest, i tried to escape you
but the orchestra plays on, and they sang

oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
oh oh, things are gonna change

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

give me time to prove
prove i want the rest of yours [prelude]
call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
it's not that i hang on every word
i hang myself on what you repeat
it's not that i keep hanging on
i'm never letting go

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

save me from myself
save me from myself
help me save me from myself
save me from myself

oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
oh oh, things are gonna change

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
dismantle me down [repair]
you dismantle me
you dismantle me

The Dream

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 21:58:47 GMT

“When the emotion becomes ~~too strong~~ for speech you sing;

when it becomes ~~too strong~~ for song, you dance.”

-- old proverb

It's one of those memories. Something that will stick with you no matter what happens in life. Nothing anyone can say or do will erase it. Ever. When old age has stolen every other thought, it will remain. Rarely do we have the chance to live that moment. Rarer still do we recognize it for what it is. We take for granted everything, the simplest things, deny their necessity and presence in our lives for continence’s sake. It's a shame, really. To repress pleasure. To remove thought, to automatically go through life, trying to live longer, but for what? In the end, what does it gain us? I sogni di eternità sono i più duri da gettare via. The dreams of forever are the most difficult to throw away. What is it worth? Is it worth it for five, ten, twenty more years of life if it is dull, pleasureless, and precious memories escape our reach? What is life worth without those memories?

a beautiful and blinding morning
the world outside begins to breathe
see clouds arriving without warning
i need you here to shelter me
and i know that only time will tell us how
to carry on without each other
so keep me awake to memorize you
give me more time to feel this way
we can't stay like this forever
but i can have you next to me today
if i could make these moments endless
if i could stop the winds of change
if we just keep our eyes wide open
then everything would stay the same
and i know that only time will tell me how
we'll carry on without each other
so keep me awake for every moment
give us more time to be this way
we can't stay like this forever
but i can have you next to me today
we'll let tomorrow wait

you're here, right now, with me
all my fears just fall away

when you are all i see
we can't stay this way forever
but i have you here today
and i will remember
remember all the love

we shared today

Listen to the beat. Step. Breathe. Turn. Hold. Heartbeat. Dance. Live. You know how, in the movies… in our dreams… there’s that one moment, that one moment where everything fades away and it’s just those in that moment, nothing else matters? All else vanishes for that time? In fact, time seems to halt. Each breath, each heartbeat echoes loudly across the expanse of timelessness now present. Touch is amplified, sound is dimmed. You see, but not really. You hear, but not what is said. It’s you and me and one spotlight. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. Nothing else is. It is a dream. A dream in reality. A time you can never explain fully, one you never expect to have, but always want to happen. An unforgettable moment. One small glimpse of perfection. One small taste of bliss. A moment to cherish, a memory that won’t die. It’s life at the most basic level.

we were drawn

from the weeds

we were brave

like soldiers

falling down

under the pale moonlight

you were holding me
like someone broken
and i couldn't tell you
but i'm telling you now
just let me hold you
while you're falling apart
just let me hold you
and we'll both fall down
fall on me
tell me everything
you want me to be
forever with you
forever in me
ever the same

we would stand
in the wind
we were free
like water
flowing down
under the warmth
of the sun
now it's cold
and we're scared
and we've both
been shaken
look at us man
this doesn't need
to be the end
just let me hold you
while you're falling apart
just let me hold you
and we'll both fall down
fall on me
tell me everything
you want me to be
forever with you
forever in me
ever the same
call on me
i'll be there
for you
and you'll be
there for me
forever it's you
forever in me
ever the same

you may need
me there
to carry
all your weight
but you're
no burden
i assure
you tide me over
with a warmth
i'll not forget
but i can only
give you love
fall on me
tell me everything
you want me to be
forever with you,
forever in me
ever the same
call on me
i'll be there for you
and you'll be
there for me
forever it's you
forever in me
ever the same
forever with you
forever in me
ever the same
ever the same

In the aftermath of perfect, what are you left to do? Do you remain lost in that memory, oblivious to life moving past you? Do you dismiss it as a mere figment of imagination? Do you smile at the very smallest thought of it? Do you sigh, wishing it back again? Does it replay every time your eyes close, does it resound in your mind, echoing and pleading to be relived just one more time?

i can't believe it's over

i watched the whole thing fall

and i never saw the writing that was on the wall

if i only knew

the days were slipping past

that the good things never last

that you were crying

summer turned to winter

and the snow, it turned to rain

then the rain turned into tears upon your face

i hardly recognize the girl you are today

and God i hope it's not too late

it's not too late

cos you are not alone

i'm always there with you

and we'll get lost together

till the light comes pouring through

when you feel like you're done

and the darkness has won

babe you're not lost

when your world's crashing down

and you can't bear the cross

i said, baby you're not lost

Life is beautiful because of moments such as those. Life is worth living for them. I can’t say I ever thought it would happen, but it has.

{[...and...i...absolutely...can’t...stop...grinning...]}

do you know where your heart is?
do you think you can find it?
or did you trade it for something, somewhere

better just to have it?
do you know where your love is?
do you think that you lost it?
you felt it so strong, but
nothing’s turned out how you wanted

well, bless my soul
you’re a lonely soul
cos you won’t let go
of anything you hold

well, all i need
is the air i breathe
and a place to rest my head

do you know what your fate is?
and are you trying to shake it?
you’re doing your best and
your best look
you’re praying that you make it

well, bless my soul
you’re a lonely soul
cos you won’t let go
of anything you hold

well, all i need
is the air i breathe
and a place to rest my head

i said all i need
is the air i breathe
and a place to rest my head

do you think you can find it?
do you think you can find it?
do you think you can find it?
better than you had it
do you think you can find it?
do you think you can find it?
do you think you can find it?
better than you had it

i said all i need
is the air i breathe
and a place to rest my head

whenever the end is
do you think you can see it?
well, until you get there
go on, go ahead and scream it
just say it

[ r e d o n e ]

...redone...

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 18:12:23 GMT

Folks, please don't read anything into this. I just love this song, and I love AAR, and I've never done a layout with them. And it's one of their... cleaner songs... So just enjoy the song as a musical masterpiece, and don't read into it. :)

your subtleties

they strangle me
i can't explain myself

at all
and all the wants,

and all the needs
all i don't want to

need at all

the walls start breathing,

my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you

leave me alone
a weight is lifted

on this evening
i give the

final blow

when darkness

turns to light
it ends tonight,

it ends tonight

a falling star,

at least i fall alone
i can't explain what

you can't explain
you're finding things

that you didn't know
i look at you

with such disdain

the walls start breathing,

my mind's unweaving
maybe it's best you

leave me alone
a weight is lifted

on this evening
i give the

final blow

when darkness

turns to light
it ends tonight,

it ends tonight
just a little insight

won't make this right
it's too late to fight,

it ends tonight,

it ends tonight

now i'm on my

own side
it's better than

being on your side
it's my fault

when you're blind
it's better that i see it

through your eyes

all these thoughts

locked inside
now you're the

first to know

when darkness

turns to light
it ends tonight,

it ends tonight
just a little insight

won't make this right
it's too late to fight,

it ends tonight

it ends

when darkness

turns to light
it ends tonight,

it ends tonight
just a little insight

won't make this right
it's too late to fight,

it ends tonight,

it ends tonight
tonight,

insight
when darkness

turns to light

it ends tonight

A Very Merry Merry Christmas!

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 06:02:46 GMT

The People walking in darkness have seen a great light.

The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

On those in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

We have seen His glory, the glory of the one and only Son who came from the Father.

For unti us a child is born, to us a Son is given.

In Him was life and that life is the light of men.

Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
Dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Ventris tuae, Jesus
Ave Maria

Ave Maria
Mater Dei
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Ora pro nobis
Ora, ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Nunc et in hora mortis
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Et in hora mortis nostrae
Ave Maria

Merry, Merry Christmas!

An Amazing Christmas Song

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 16:30:33 GMT

The season comes but once a year
A gift of precious wonder
For all who hold it dear
But past the sights
And colored lights
Lord, far beyond December
I will remember

After the carols fade away
After the Yule fire dies down
When there are no longer dreams to open and see
Because You are hope and joy and peace
Because You're the only gift I need
In my heart the season will remain
After December Slips Away

Years ago beneath a tree
Fell the drops of crimson
That set the faithful free
The gift was life sent in love
Lord, far beyond December
I will remember

After the carols fade away
After the Yule fire dies down
When there are no longer dreams to open and see
Because You are hope and joy and peace
Because You're the only gift I need
In my heart the season will remain
After December Slips Away

No matter how bright the glitter shines
No matter how many hopes come true
I know that all I have
Begins and ends with You

After the carols fade away
After the Yule fire dies down
When there are no longer dreams to open and see
Because You are hope and joy and peace
Because You're the only gift I need
In my heart the season will remain
After December Slips Away

In my heart the season will remain
After December Slips Away

Christmas Quizzy

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:34:11 GMT

Favorite traditional Christmas song: Carol of the Bells. I have no idea why either. Oh, and Christmas in Killarney.

Favorite contemporary or modern Christmas song: After December Slips Away (Donny Osmond), Grown Up Christmas List (I prefer Michael Bublé’s version, but Donny does it justice…), and Warm and Fuzzy (Billy Gilman).

Christmas song that makes you cry: I don’t know of any that have…

Real or artificial tree: Real! The smell of pine is intoxicating.

Favorite Christmas edible treat: Ooh. Mint chocolate fudge!

White lights or multi-colored: I like the simplicity of white, but can appreciate both. :)

How many Christmas parties will you go to this year? None, that I’m aware of…

Favorite act of kindness to perform during this season? Surprises!

Favorite sounds of Christmas: Sleigh bells.

Favorite things to wear: Red velvet. :D

Favorite Christmas movie/TV special: A Charlie Brown Christmas and White Christmas. Ooh, no. Holiday Inn. :D

Eggnog or hot chocolate: Both, but I don’t really care for either.

Favorite Christmas book: I don’t really have one…

Peppermint or cinnamon: Cinnamon, hands down.

What's on the top of your tree? At the moment, nothing.

Traditional Christmas meal growing up: Traditional? What’s that? ;P

Online shopping or traditional "go to the store" shopping: Traditional! I love shopping… once I finally decide what to get everyone!

Something you rec'd as a Christmas gift as a child that you still have: Heh… define “child”.

How many Christmas cards you have mailed so far: Um… nil.

Favorite source for Christmas ideas: Conversation

Coordinated/themed or hodge-podge tree decorations: Being an OCD perfectionist, coordinated!

What's on the top of YOUR Christmas wishlist: ::whispers:: It’s a secret!

Roles you've played in Christmas plays/programs: I’ve been a sheep, an elf and an angel (the head angel. :P ).

DECEMBER!

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 18:11:31 GMT

I always forget how much I love December until it is finally here again. ::happy sigh:: I mean, what's not to love? December SMELLS so good! Spices and evergreen and snow... I mean, it really doesn't get a whole lot better than that. And of course, the sights. Crisp, white snow against a backdrop of green, or blue and purple mountains (okay, so they're more brown now, I'm trying to be poetic!)... red berries and bows. And the food... hehe, I'm a sucker for holiday food, but then again, who isn't?

After last night, something I'll be doing a lot more of in December is looking at the stars. ::smiles::

I'm dancing around for joy. Now, if only there were others here to dance with... but I'll try and not lament that.

this is my December
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear
this is my December
this is my snow covered home
this is my December
this is me alone

and i
[just wish that
i didn't feel
like there was
something i missed]
and i
[take back all
the things i said
to make you
feel like that]
and i
[just wish that
i didn't feel
like there was
something i missed]
and i
[take back all the
things i said to you]

and i
give it all away
just to have somewhere
to go to
give it all away
to have someone
to come home to

this is my December
these are my snow covered dreams
this is me pretending
this is all i need

and i
[just wish that
i didn't feel
like there was
something i missed]
and i
[take back all
the things i said
to make you
feel like that]
and i
[just wish that
i didn't feel
like there was
something i missed]
and i
[take back all the
things i said to you]

and i
give it all away
just to have somewhere
to go to
give it all away
to have someone
to come home to

this is my December
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear

and i
give it all away
just to have somewhere
to go to
give it all away
to have someone
to come home to

Friday, November 23, 2007

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 02:53:54 GMT

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!